Paint Shaker

The lightning strobed across the endless blackness.

I was sitting at a table. It was small, wooden, round. The chairs were plain and matched the dull, cheap look of the table. I was wearing the same clothes I'd had on just moments before. The table was illuminated by a light source that seemed to come from nowhere, above our heads in some impossible place. It's light carried no farther than a few feet from where we all sat. Beyond that lay an inky void.

The lightning strobed across the endless blackness.

There were four men at the table with me. Three to my left, one to my right. The three men to the left were nearly identical. Aging, thinning hair, narrow faces. All wearing ill fitting black suits with white shirts. Their neck waddle hung loosely in their collars.The only way to tell them apart was that they sat in descending order of height from right to left, each a half a foot shorter than the last.

To my right was Paint Shaker. He was shirtless and hairless. His skin was a mottled gray. Over his eyes and mouth, heavy iron plates had been riveted. I called him Paint Shaker because every few seconds, his head would shake inhumanely fast, vibrating until it became a blur.

The lightning strobed across the endless blackness.

The tallest of the three men had dealt a hand of poker and I realized that I was in. All four of my opponents looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to pick up my cards. Paint Shaker's head shook violently.

I reached down and picked up what I'd been dealt. But when I saw what was on the flip side of the red Bicycle backs, I knew I was doomed. They were all coupons. Just coupons. Not even able to beat a simple pair. I considered throwing my hand to the table.

The lightning strobed across the endless blackness.

There was a ringing. A second ring. It was a telephone. A man approached in a suit. He had a fish head and was dripping wet. His suit was soaked. He held the telephone in hands that were human, but covered in scales. He reeked like a pier. The telephone was an old corded rotary number. A faded pea green, its cord trailing off into the dark infinity.

Fish Head ignored the ever growing noise from my opponents who seemed annoyed at my delay. Fish Head brought the telephone to me, its receiver still in the cradle, it's body still ringing loudly. I picked it up and put it to my ear.

The lightning strobed across the endless blackness.

“Hey. Are you okay?” It was Harry. I glanced around and looked to Paint Shaker. Was I okay? Harry repeated his question. “You alright?”

The lightning strobed across the endless blackness.

I opened my eyes. “Yeah, I'm okay.” I was in the passenger seat. Harry was driving. Matt was in back. We were heading out to the theater. Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible.

The above story is true. Sort of. I'd written a version of this quite awhile back and it got lost so I thought I'd give it a go again in honor of my being a bit loopy from my current bout of insomnia.

The reason I say that it's sort of true is that it's my memory, in exact detail, of what happened to me over the course of a few seconds of being unconscious. I sometimes have a vasovagal response to drugs or needles ( the reaction forces blood toward the center of the body, away from the brain, sometimes causing the person to pass out). I don't consistently have the response and have learned to control it a bit as I've gotten older. In this case, I was trying a particular recreational drug for the first time. Based on my response, I never did the drug again. However, I'm the only person I know who has ever reported vivid memories during unconscious periods. This is not my only memory of this sort, but it was certainly the most extraordinary.

I'm an Author, SHHH, It's A Secret

I wrote a book. I'm a published author. But I can't share the title with you or even the subject. Here's why.

So, about 11 months ago, I was laid off. More accurately, I was unkindly and unceremoniously dumped on my ass by my former employers, may they spend eternity in a very warm heaven.

About 8 months ago, in the midst of still looking for work, I started a blog. It was a lark, not a joke, but meant more as an experiment. It was never meant to go anywhere or become anything. I was mostly writing it as a way to keep up my writing skills, have a creative outlet, and pass the time with something that wouldn't cost me money.

For the sake of explaining why I can't tell you the title or the subject matter of my book, I'm going to create a fictitious example of what my blog was all about. Let's pretend that I pretended to be a Los Angeles police officer who's name was John Smith. John Smith decides he's going to write a blog about being a cop in L.A. and all that goes along with it - the politics, the racial tensions, the brutality. But, John Smith realizes that if he puts all of this out there on the web with his name attached he'd be fired at the very least. His whole life could be turned upside down.

Instead, John Smith decides to change names and dates around so that no one can guess who he is in real life. He uses the fake name of Frank Jones. He changes around just enough information that he knows that no one will be able to trace it back to him. John Smith writes this blog because it makes him feel better to be able to vent about some of the tough things he has to deal with.

But something unexpected happens. His blog becomes popular. Not LOLcats popular, but he has regular followers, who question him, prod him, support him, chide him and encourage him. Soon, the blog has taken on its own life.

John Smith started out his blog talking about things in his past. Eventually though the events in the blog have 'caught up' to present day. John Smith decides that writing about present day events are too hard to disguise and instead sort of wraps up the blog.

Someone suggests to John Smith that his harrowing stories should be assembled into a book. That's when I, Connor, in real life, decided to compile all of these blog posts into a book.

Without intending it, I had created a complete arc for my John Smith character, starting with how and why he became a police officer, what happened to him and where he is today. As a book, it's more than 400 pages.

But...The book had to be published with John Smith's 'nom de plume', Frank Jones. Since the book is written as the events were real, to use my own name would be to undermine the very authenticity the writing strove for. Knowing the true author's name would endanger 'John Smith' and out me, Connor, as fraudulent, since I'm not a cop.

So, there you have it. It's published, I can call myself an author now and I'm very proud of the book. But I can't tell you the title, the subject matter or my nom de plume.

On the plus side, back in November, I participated in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I got a great start on a book that I'd been wanting to write since 2004. I've gotten more than 70000 words in and I'm about 3/4 of the way through the book.

This book, a speculative fiction/fantasy book will have my name on it and I'll let you know as soon as it's available. So, Connor Alexander doesn't have a book out yet, but he's an author.

End of the Line

     The Fiscal Cliff is looming. Not the one in D.C. No, I'm talking about the real one that so many of us are currently facing. It doesn't really matter how you juggle the numbers or how you define unemployment, there are a lot of us wasting away and watching our futures dwindling.

     Officially, my unemployment benefits end in three days. That's the current deadline for the federal extension.  I was laid off in March. Now, reaching the end of the money that was doing nothing more than keeping me afloat, I'm faced with the real fiscal cliff. What do you do when you have no more money? None. No savings, no checking, no job, nothing.

     I've gone through all of the stages. When you first get laid off you prioritize your spending, cutting out all the unnecessary stuff. You re-work your resume. You contact friends and colleagues and get the word out that you're looking.

     Later, you realize you've slipped into stage two. You aren't just looking for equivalent or better jobs than the one you had. You're willing to take a pay cut, lose benefits, drive farther in your commute, go a few rungs down the ladder. Hey, these are tough times and we all have to make cuts.

     You get a few phone calls, even a couple of interviews. For the most part though it's a long series of auto-replies from companies saying they've received your application. If you're lucky you get a rejection later letting you know that they'll keep your application on file. Don't worry, you'll never hear from them again.

     Eventually, you reach the first emergency stage.  For me, it was when I realized that even with my money management, I could no longer afford my apartment.  I held a woefully unsuccessful garage sale, got rid of everything outside of a laptop, a few irreplaceable's and my clothes. I moved in with my girlfriend. 

     Comparatively flush with cash and stripped of literal and metaphorical baggage I bought myself a new camera, determined to keep myself solvent with various freelance gigs until fate brought me together with my eventual new job.

    Time passed, applications were sent, a few pictures were taken. The holidays came along and the second emergency slowly revealed itself along the horizon.  The end of the benefits means the end of being able to pay my bills. It's not like I have kids or a mortgage, so I'm among the lucky. But as many of us already know, it only takes being one dollar in debt to be bankrupt.

    Starting Wednesday, I'll begin applying to retail and service industry jobs that are either within walking distance or busing distance. Next month will be the last that I can afford my car insurance.  I'll sell my car in order to keep from defaulting on my student loans and credit card debt.

    I'm writing this because, while I've been broke before, I'm a little baffled and slightly amazed at how far off and removed some people seem to be from the effects of the unemployment around them. Most of them here in Seattle are middle to upper-middle class. I think that some of my friends and acquaintances think that because I show up at a party with my girlfriend and a bottle of wine, that I have money to spend on gas or booze. 

     I have friends who fret over what dates they can fly across country or season tickets for sports teams. They have to budget their home renovations or make choices about which vacations they can take this year because they can only do two. I don't think they realize what a short slide it is from them telling me about all of this over a glass of pinot and them ignoring me on the street, walking by them, homeless.

    Some people reading this might scoff, but I've been poor before, I'm poor now and I'll be poor again. There's no scapegoating here, there's no single root cause to all of this. It just is what it is. Of course, it's magnified by the current state of the economy, but make no mistake that the mechanisms of misfortune have been grinding along for ages.

     I have a great deal of confidence in myself. I've always been a fighter, a smart one too. I'm creative, dogged, kind, and am deeply sure that I have a lot to offer this world. My fear isn't in my own failings, I know I'll triumph or go down swinging.  My fear is that I'll go down swinging with nothing to swing at. That my opponents, unemployment, lack of money, lack of an ability to care for myself, are opponents that I cannot hit. They're smoke, illusive and ephemeral and they kill with a thousand tiny cuts.

     I don't want to go out like that.

Punks on Politics

So, my friend Ty Garfield and I have launched a little venture together that he created. It's called Punks On Politics.  It's a combination Vlog, podcast, website, Facebook page that will have the two of us taking apart various local, national and global political and news topics and giving them a good solid anti-authoritarian shake down.  The first episode is up and I'd love it if you could take a look.

The project is just starting so we'd love feedback. It's sure to evolve.

I'm Unemployed And You Can Be Too!

Quit your day job. The American Dream is dead and there is nothing to be gained in trying to hump the corpse.

Things are changing in America. Deep fundamental change. I truly feel that while this change may be painful and even devastating in the short term, it's something that has to happen for all of us to get to the next stage, whatever that happens to be.  Part of that change is jobs, careers, employment and what it all means for us at a deep level.  What I'm writing about today is how we need to start looking at our 9-5 life in a different way than our parents did if we're going to make it through to this next stage.

I got laid off back in March. It was a great job. Shit for bosses, but a good company with wonderful people. I'd put my heart into that company in a way I'd done for very few other jobs. Like many people now, I'm among the unemployed.  While I'm still marginally looking for a job (read: punch in, punch out, get a pay check), what I'm looking more for now is a way to exchange skills that I have for resources and experiences.  That may sound like a thin distinction or something from a Portlandia skit, but give me a minute to explain.

All around us are signs that the idea of working for an "American Company" for twenty or twenty-five years, putting our kids through college, owning a home and then retiring on a cushy pension is one that isn't just unattainable, but perhaps wasn't really in reach to begin with. It was one that was sold to us, and perhaps given to a lucky few boomers, but was never really sustainable.

How many of us out there have a good idea of what's going to happen to us twenty years from now? How about ten even?  Are you sure that company you work for will still exist? Do you trust the stock market with your 401K? Do you think banks are looking out for you and would be on your side in an emergency?

Hopefully the preceding questions had you either shaking your head, snorting in derision or maybe even crying.  Because the truth is, if you aren't a millionaire right now, this system is rigged against you. The safety nets we think are below us are far thinner, weaker, and more full of holes than we realize.  Your job is less secure, your health insurance less valuable, your home is worth less and your voice carries less distance.

I'm not going to get into politics in this article today. It's too broad for this topic. Instead, I want to focus on what I think I'm moving towards, where I think I'm changing my life and see if any of it strikes a cord for you. If even one of you says, 'hmm, interesting,' then I've done my job here.

When I got laid off in March, I had a small one bedroom basement apartment that I was renting. I owned my 1996 Honda Civic, I had roughly $10000 in personal belongings, about $9000 in total debt (a little more than half being student loans), about $2500 in the bank and about $3000 in available credit.  Including all of my rent and expenditures, I wasn't going to last long without an income. I was laid off with 48 hours notice. I'd gotten a raise and a promotion back in November so I certainly didn't expect to be let go the way I was.

So, there I was with no job. I scrambled to update my resume and get the word out that I was looking for work. I began applying everywhere I thought I could get my foot in the door. I'm sure most of you know this dance.  I got a few auto-replies, a couple of phone interviews, one face to face. That was it.

I'd been down this road before.  When I arrived back in L.A. after hurricane Katrina it took me a very long time to find work. In the meantime, I'd picked up doing any kind of freelance video and film work that I could. It helped cushion me along the way, but I always felt like I was treading water with weights on my legs. I wasn't really doing anything but slowing down my own drowning.

Being back in that same predicament and feeling it so fiercely,  I decided to take a step back and come at things from a different direction. That led me to a Pandora's box of increasingly radical ideas and I realized that I was on the precipice of a completely new paradigm in my life. A part of my brain screamed, "But, you're 41! This is not the time to be making extreme changes! This is the time you're supposed to be buying a house! Splurging on a motorcycle! Doing that sort of  'Planning' that adults do!"

Then, I just said "Fuck it." With the decision that my life was not going to be normal, with the realization that I was not ever going to own a home or have a retirement or do any of the things in the Baby Boomers Brochure of Life, I was suddenly free to start my own new path.

The first thing I did was swallow my pride and take up the very generous offer my lovely lady made me to move in with her.  Once I'd agreed to do that, I also decided that a good chunk of what was weighing me down in life was the sheer volume of physical possessions.  You might think that the sum of what can fit in a one bedroom apartment isn't significant, but that's exactly what I'm talking about when I say that our concept of what's important and necessary is all out of whack.

I sold almost everything I own.  I'm not exaggerating.  Couches, TV's, computers, desks, my bed, books, dishes, all of it.  What I kept had to fall into one of two categories: Functional or Irreplaceable. Functional meant clothes (a very trimmed down wardrobe) and toiletries, my car and my camera.  Irreplaceable meant a couple pieces of art, a box of old photos, memorabilia and important paperwork like taxes.  That's it. It all fit into four large plastic tubs, three of which now reside in my lady's attic.

I took the money I got from selling all of those possessions and purchased a new Ultrabook and a new camera and some gear for it.  These items serve as both my connection to the outside world and a way for me to theoretically earn money anywhere I go.

Since then, there's a lightness that has come over me. I've been more prolific with my writing and photography, I've been wanting to engage with my fellow human beings more than ever, and I've gotten a sense of wonder and excitement about the world back that I'd lost for quite a while.  Things aren't perfect by any means. I have no health insurance. My savings and unemployment will run out by years end. If things were to somehow go badly with my partner and she kicked me out, I'm not sure where I'd sleep or go.  As dreadful as those things may sound though, they don't weigh on me at all. Not one bit.

Once you stop running on the treadmill and more importantly, once you stop trying to get back on to the treadmill and you then catch your breath and look around, you realize that much of the work you were doing wasn't for control of your life, but for the illusion of control.  We're all so desperate for that illusion that we're willing to sacrifice a lot of reality for it.  For me, the cost was just getting too high.

So what happens next? I don't know. I'm enjoying doing things with photography, video and writing. I may do some traveling, work abroad or possibly even ex-pat to another country. I don't really feel like an "American" any longer, just a person on a planet full of neat places, fun things and other people. I want the rest of my life to feel like a series of interconnected surprises rather than a chain of poorly pre-scripted events.

Regardless, I'm better off than I was when I was pinning my hopes on finding that 'one job' that I'd have for the rest of my adult life that would somehow see me through retirement and old age.  I just don't believe that the Coca Cola's, the Walmart's, the Google's of the world will be around for us thirty years from now.  We, as a society, will have given them the best parts of our lives and have nothing to show for it but a second mortgage.

There's this joke I heard. It's about 'West Coast' people. It's said that they are kind of weird and different from others because they came from the kind of stock of people who, once they'd escaped Europe and had migrated across the ocean to the colonies, they got there and said, 'Hmm, this isn't really far enough away from civilization for us' and they wandered off West, away from the settlers.  I'd like to think that maybe a bit of that spirit is living on in me.

Liberals and Progressives Shouldn't Vote For Obama

Republicans will vote for Romney and Democrats will vote for Obama.  It's a given, really. Personally, I've never registered with a party in the 23 years I've been voting. Initially it was laziness, but as I grew older and perhaps a little wiser, I began avoiding them intentionally.

More than ever, most American voters have this horribly polarized view of presidential politics. It's all 'us or them', left or right, good and evil.  It makes for great storytelling, but very poor representative politics.  Many people will tell you that voting for a third party or not voting is a vote for 'the other guy'. Of course, 'the other guy' is so horrible that it's sure to bring about the actual, literal apocalypse. Or at least, the parties would have you believe so.

Democrats used to be where the terms 'liberal' and 'progressive' made their political home.  As a person who absolutely loathed the intellectual void that was George W. Bush, I was proud to not vote for him. I half-heartedly voted for Gore, begrudgingly voted for Kerry and in 2008, voted for Obama with a glimmer of hope.

That was my last ever vote for the 'lesser of the evils.'  And Obama is bad. I know most of you 'left' folks don't want me saying that. Hell, some of you've probably already started thinking I'm some sort of right wing nut. But please remember who I just told you I've voted for. I've never voted for a Republican in my life.

But simply having a (D) in front of your name doesn't make you liberal or progressive.  President Obama is living proof of that.  I'm going to list seven very clear examples of lines he crossed which not only make him a bad president, but one that is far to the right of center.

1) He is a war hawk. He is absolutely one of the most aggressive, imperialist Presidents we've ever had.

• America spends as much on defense as the next 17 countries combined, most of whom are allies.       ( http://www.economist.com/blogs/democracyinamerica/2011/12/defence-spending )
• We spend more than 15 times on the military and homeland security as we do education.                     (  http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/05/national-security-budget-1-trillion-congress )
• He massively ramped up the Afghanistan war, sending over more than 68000 troops.                         (  http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2010/may/30/colin-powell/obama-has-increased-troops-afghanistan/ )
• He's ordered attacks on an unprecedented number of foreign citizens, violated sovereignty, and bombed non-combatants in: Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, Somalia, Pakistan, and Libya                         ( http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/opinion/sunday/president-obama-warrior-in-chief.html?pagewanted=all&_moc.semityn.www )

A vote for Obama is a pro-war vote, pure and simple.

2) He has a horrible record on civil liberties. Oh, I'll grant you the repeal of DADT and the passing of the Lilly Ledbetter Act. But those don't even begin to balance the scales when it comes to Obama's callous disregard for basic human and American rights.

• He has ordered the murder of U.S. citizens without any due process. He has simply designated them 'terrorists' and has had them killed. (  http://www.wsws.org/articles/2011/oct2011/alwa-o01.shtml )
• Not only has he not closed Guantanamo as promised, he's continued indefinite detention of suspects there, holding them without trial or charge.                                                                                         (  http://www.unmultimedia.org/radio/english/2012/01/detention-of-suspects-continues-at-guantanamo-bay/ )
• Authorized the National Defense Act of 2012 which allows the government to detain ANYONE it suspected of even aiding a terrorists, including US citizens.                                                                  (  http://balkin.blogspot.com/2012/01/ndaa-and-military-detention.html )
• His administration continues to block FOIA requests and is extremely non-transparent.                       (  http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2012/03/foia-advocates-skeptical-about-obamas-claims-foia-progress/49668/ )
• His administration is building the largest domestic spy network in history                                             (  http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2012/03/ff_nsadatacenter/all/1 )
• He extended the provisions of Bush's Patriot Act.

"I'm disgusted with this President," said ACLU Executive Director, Anthony Romero. 

3) Obama is waging a massive war against state legal medical marijuana.  Despite the fact that he's admitted using it himself for non-medical reasons. ( http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/medical-marijuana-meets-hostility-from-obama-administration/2012/05/04/gIQA80GK2T_story.html )

4) Obama has set a new record for deporting illegal immigrants.  This isn't something to be proud of. We should finding ways to integrate these people into our society and make sure they become healthy, productive members of our tax base. Additionally, he continues to enforce the Secure Communities Act. ( http://articles.latimes.com/2011/oct/18/news/la-pn-deportation-ice-20111018)

5) Obama is pro insurance and has moved us away from socialized healthcare. The individual mandate will force citizens to buy health insurance or else pay a tax/fine. Apparently, it's Constitutional, but we should all be horrified that the court sided with Obama in authorizing a bill that institutionalizes health insurance companies as a default recipient of our tax dollars. That is something a person who is pro-big business would endorse.For the first time ever, a US citizen must buy something continually from a private company. ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/01/health-care-reform-individual-mandate-tax_n_1727795.html )

6) Obama's administration is rampant with payoffs and cronyism. He's filled his administration with lobbyists, despite promising to have nothing to do with them.  He's given choice jobs to his biggest campaign contributors or 'bundlers' ( http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/the-influence-industry-obama-gives-administration-jobs-to-some-big-fundraisers/2012/03/06/gIQA9y3txR_story.html )  and ( http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/28/us/politics/obama-bundlers-have-ties-to-lobbying.html?pagewanted=all)

7) He's pro-big bank and pro-corporatism. It may seem like Romney is the corporate boogeyman, but Obama is just better at his slight of hand. He helmed massive bailouts for banks all on the taxpayer dimes, while homes were foreclosed on at a horrendous rate. ( http://reason.com/archives/2012/04/15/romney-and-obama-agree-power-is-good ) and ( http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/blogs/taibblog/obama-and-geithner-government-enron-style-20111220 ) and ( http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2012/jul/12/getting-away-it/?pagination=false ) and ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anis-shivani/the-corporatist-explanati_b_434286.html)

So, how would you describe a pro-war, pro-banking, pro-corporate candidate who disgusts the ACLU? Before you start arguing with or dismissing my links or leaping to the defense of the POTUS, consider this: Reagan supported and signed the Brady Bill - a gun control bill. Nixon created the EPA. George H.W. Bush  signed the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The reason I bring those up is that it's just as easy to demonize an opponent as it is to elevate your heroes. We need to look at these people clearly and with a steady moral compass. If we simply judge the quality of our leaders by how they compare to their opponents in the election cycle, then we're doomed to get nothing more than the lesser of two evils. And that's where we're at in this country.  People are so used to gridlock, cronyism, glad handing, and the status quo that when it comes time to choose one of the most important figures in the world, we're essentially saying:  "Well, between a shit sandwich and a shit sandwich sprinkled with glass, I'll choose the shit sandwich." And then, somehow, magically, you're excited to eat a shit sandwich.  When someone points out that you're happily eating a shit sandwich, you point out with a muffled voice, "Well, it doesn't have glass in it!" (In case my analogy isn't clear, Obama is the shit sandwich and Romney is the shit sandwich with glass sprinkled in it.)

There are very rich folks out there, who have massive influence, who are thrilled to just keep making sure that you are happy with your shit sandwich. So, go ahead and take another bite and make them happy.

Poking the Bear: Sexism at Cons

I'm going to be throwing out my opinion regarding the recent dust ups surrounding feminism and sexism in geek culture.  There's a lot of talk about it currently and you can get up to speed with these insightful articles:

http://io9.com/5938698/the-great-geek-sexism-debate

http://kotaku.com/5873885/nerds-and-male-privilege-part-2-deconstructing-the-arguments

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/06/19/pandagon-geeks-you-have-a-problem/

These are just a sample of what's going on out there and like racism or any other 'ism' it's probably being discussed so much currently because any time you lift the rug, you find the roaches.  With more and more women not just coming out of the 'geek closet' but with more also learning to love from the outside what it has to offer and jumping in head first, the proverbial rug is getting lifted and the roaches are indeed on display.

If you couldn't be bothered to check the links above, or don't know what I'm talking about, let me sum it up for you.  Many men in current modern culture are sexist. A large portion, I would say, are not consciously even aware of it and distance themselves from the label if asked.  But like any majority, when faced with the inequities that a minority (in this case, women becoming an ever growing factor in geek culture) group is enduring, the defensive walls go up and both sides begin the finger pointing game. In this case, many female nerds and geeks are feeling as though they are in a hostile, sexist environment at Cons and in some cases, online as well.

I don't consider myself a feminist, I consider myself a humanist. To me, feminism is a subset of humanism, it's part of the package. Somehow the term feminism seems too 'active' to describe me. I was raised by my grandmother and mother, who I think did a pretty damn decent job of raising me.  Along the way, I took on the label of ethically non-monogamous when it came to my romantic relationships.  I've had the privilege of being in love with more than one lovely woman at a time and would say that those ladies involved felt I treated them as no less than my equal because of their gender (If any of you are reading this and if you felt otherwise, now is a great time to speak up about it here - please!)

With that said, I'm sure I've come off as sexist or misogynistic multiple times. Why do I say that? Because while I don't consider myself sexist and try to be the best 'man' I can be (unless asked not to be), I cannot control how others interpret my behavior. I may be completely innocently expressing myself and someone else may take it as something completely different.

There was an incident at a Con recently. I'm not going to link to it or call it out, because I don't want to pick a fight. But the short of it was, a woman got into an elevator with a man. The man propositioned the woman. She said no.  The end.  There was no groping or physical contact and he took no for an answer (from the story as I understand it).  The woman went on to write that this situation made her feel uncomfortable and that her boundaries had been violated.

This incident and her response to it are, I believe, at the heart of a big problem when discussing this issue for both genders.  Any woman can relate to that story and that feeling of an unwanted advance in a situation where you're feeling vulnerable. That's totally fair.  But that man was not being sexist or misognystic (as I understand it, again).  He was simply propositioning her. He has every right to express his attraction to her and attempt to make some sort of connection.  She has every right to rebuff it.

Ladies - You do not have a right to not be offended.  He asked, she said no. The end. She can be offended if she wants, but that doesn't mean he did anything wrong.  The guy has no way of knowing what her boundaries are if he doesn't ask. Remember, men are brought up to be the initiators in this society. Women are brought up to be passive recipients of that male initiating (generally speaking). Whether those two generalizations are ethically or morally sound is a different discussion.  If you want to wear a mini-skirt at the Con, you don't have the privilege of deciding which guy stares at your ass. You don't even have the right to not have someone come up and ask your name. That's not sexism, that's humanity.

Men - Stare all you want. Ogle, cat call, make lewd gestures. You have every human right to express yourselves as you see fit. If you want to generally imitate a chimpanzee attempting to get a female chimps attention, go ahead.  One step further, you can, and read this carefully, ask for her consent to begin even more direct interaction. This can be a request for a name, physical contact, whatever.  Do not under any circumstances violate her private space though.

Both Genders - Here is where the all powerful concept of consent steps forward. Once the consenter has been asked, the decision to consent or not must be respected absolutely. Unclear or vague consent is not consent. People should not touch other people without permission. People should not block other people's paths, follow them into personal spaces, get close enough that they are in anyway restricting another's movements, interrupt other conversations or in anyway violate their ability to act freely.

Here's an example for you all.  I grew up loving Han Solo. Star Wars changed my life.  I think most geeks reading this can agree that it's a seminal film series and one that is as close to a modern myth for our culture as we're likely to get.  Remember in The Empire Strikes Back, the great scene on the Millenium Falcon between Han and Leia.  Think back to that for a moment. Leia is working on fixing the ship. Han stands inappropriately close to her, enough so that she shoulders him.  He persists, literally backing her into a corner and interrupts her with a kiss. Aww, isn't that romantic and hot?  Or was it harassment, a violation of Leia's space?

This scene is something men and women grew up watching and learning from.  The guys want to be Han and the women want to be Leia.  No one would accuse Leia of being weak or a victim and while everyone loves to call Han 'roguish' or a 'scoundrel', he's certainly the heroic idol in the film alongside Luke. Yet, in our society, this scene is a clear example of how not to act. Han bullied his way into that kiss. He pushed himself upon her. Both genders, in my experience, love this scene and these characters.  What does that tell us about how our genders view each other?

Gender roles, more than ever are changing. Our modern culture is opening whole new arenas for women and that's great! But both genders need to remember that by virtue of that change, men's roles are changing too, whether we like it or not.  Where women are free to go out to Con's next to naked and expect to feel safe, men are also now in a situation where we don't have a cultural guide book for how to act. Both men and women need to start being a little more self-reflecting on their own personal behavior and little more understanding of the people around them.

As I said earlier, consent is the line in the sand we can all agree on. But beyond that, we need to remember that most of us out there are good people with good intentions.  The next time someone cat calls you, remember that he's likely not a rapist and just trying to show, in the limited way he can, that he likes the way you look.  The next time someone tells you "no" when you ask for a number, remember that you aggressed on them and put them in a defensive spot. Take no for an answer, but don't take it personally.

Everyone should feel safe in expressing themselves however they want. At the same time, we should all feel safe from the expressions of others.  Best of all, when everyone starts feeling safe, we're all more likely to have a good time, make new friends and lovers, and then everyone wins.