Thursday, January 9, 2014

Hey Monogamous People - Mind Your Own Fucking Business

Listen folks, I get that my belief that I can love more than one person at a time is novel and quirky (and possibly even offensive) to you and that you're very invested in your serial monogamy. It's important to you, I know. You've pushed all of your chips in on that hand. So when someone else comes along with a different take on things, you're threatened.

But let me be very blunt here: Unless my penis is inside you, my relationship style and status are none of your fucking business. None. Zero. Not one goddamn iota. So keep your fucking noise tube shut.

Why are my hackles up? Well, I met someone the other night at a party. I felt like we had some chemistry even though we didn't get to chat much. I wasn't anything more than cordial though because I was djing at the party and there wasn't much of a chance to flirt or even really get much of a conversation going.
Instead, I asked a couple of people if they knew her and could I get an introduction. Just a chance to say, "Hi, we met briefly at the party the other night. I'm Connor."

If you are asked to make the introduction and you are friends with both parties, you do it and without comment. You don't approach the other person and say, 'Hey, my friend John wanted to meet you. Oh and he has two kids, he's late on his mortgage and he's really into toe sucking.' You know why? Because it's not your fucking business. If that's a problem than just tell John you don't feel comfortable making an introduction so John can ask you about your bigotry.

I want to be introduced as Connor, not The Non-monogamous Guy. You know why? Because it doesn't matter for an introduction. I wasn't asking you for permission to fuck your friend, to marry your friend, or even to date your friend. I was asking for an introduction.

Guess what, geniuses? Most folks are monogamous. I know that because I'm not an idiot. If you think monogamous folks should only hang out with other monogamous folks and non-monogamous folks should hang out with other non-monogamous folks, maybe you should propose shipping us all off to an island where you won't have to be reminded of us.

Also, next time, why stop with my relationship beliefs? Just ask and I can provide my credit report, my dick size, a full breakdown of my ethnicity and a schedule of my bowel movements. That way whomever I'd like to be introduced to can really take stock before they chose to speak to me.

No comments: